First Reading: Gn 2:18-24; Psalm: 128. R. v. 5; Second Reading: Hb 2:9-11; Gospel: Mk 10:2-16

THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE

BY FR VALENTINE NNAMDI EGBUONU, MSP

There is a clear dichotomy between the understanding of marriage in the days of Jesus and in our time. But while the understanding may differ due to time, gender inequality and cultural shift; the sudden end to marriage via divorce is a practice that till date has remained a wilful decision on the part of couples regardless of the divine injunction of God. Hence, the command of Jesus in the gospel of today regarding the sacredness of marriage does not only remind us of how Jesus whipped his people into line; but also reiterates even in our time and beyond a never-ending message that marriage must be understood in the context of how God instituted it from the very beginning.

In today’s gospel, when the Pharisees approached Jesus, they inquired to know on what ground divorce can be acceptable. Deuteronomy 24:1 states that a man who marries a wife but finds some indecency (‘erwat dabar) in her can put her away by writing a bill of divorce. Now, the term ‘indecency’ (‘erwat dabar) was so ambiguous that different school of thoughts gave varied interpretations to it. Rabbi Shammai interpreted it to mean adultery alone. Rabbi Hillel gave a more expansive interpretation that a man can divorce his wife if she puts too much salt in the stew, danced in the street, spoke to a strange man, spoke disrespectfully of her husband’s relatives in his hearing or if she were a shouter. Rabbi Akiba permitted divorce if a man found another woman more appealing to him than his wife.

In the light of these discrepancies, the Pharisees perhaps wanted Jesus to narrow their understanding of ‘indecency’ to a single interpretation so as to have an identical cause to divorce. To this end, Jesus referred them to a higher authority than Moses to quiet them. God from the beginning of creation ordained marriage to be a covenantal and indissoluble bond between man and woman. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (v. 9).

The controversy on divorce has been a debate not only in the days of Jesus but even more in our time. Marriage in our time has become more like a casual relationship that can abruptly end at any time unperturbed by the divine injunction. Divorce is on the increase as couples are becoming immune to the guilt of this practice. Divorce can happen in two shapes. The one commonly known to us is when a couple legally decide to end or terminate their marriage permanently for some serious irreparable reasons. The other form is virtual divorce where couples may stay under the same roof but are completely living apart from each other. The only difference is that the former is official and the latter unofficial. In the former they are physically separated; but in the latter, though they may live together but are virtually separated and dead to each other. There is no chemistry or any emotional or connective attachment. It is just stone dead.  

There are many cases of virtual divorce. Just because it is not made public does not mean it is non-existent. Couples in this situation have open love affair which is never an issue to them. They only stay put for fear of stigmatisation or for religious reasons. They are neither in nor out. This is no longer marriage because it violates fidelity, indissolubility and procreation. When Jesus speaks of divorce, those in this category are also included.

As the Church carries on the teachings of Christ on the sacredness of marriage, she is not insensitive to the crisis in marital life. Much as Christ discourages divorce, there are conditions whereby the Church encourages separation. But divorce and separation are two different things. While divorce is a permanent termination of a lawful and valid marriage; separation keeps the couple apart for an indefinite period of time for the good or safety of either party in cases of violence or harm. However, separation can be permanent when it becomes obvious that the marriage can no longer work. But the marriage bond still exists regardless. Annulment on the other hand means that a marriage never existed from the very beginning due to the presence of certain elements that invalidates marriage. Like, among other things, bigamy, incest, exclusion of children, lack of consent and force. In such cases, one or either of the couple may remarry.    

But rather than being thrown into the dungeon of divorce, couples can be more meticulous in entering marriage. We know there are breakdowns in marriages despite the beautiful beginnings. But with hindsight, certain issues in marriage could have been avoided if things were done differently. Prevention they say is better than cure. 

The first and foremost law in every marriage is that it is a covenantal union between man and woman. Christ made this very clear in the gospel. “But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh” (vs. 6-8). Any other union different from this, is indecent and contravenes the divine command.

Marriage between man and woman lawfully and validly entered is a lifetime journey. The mistake most couple make is spending most of their time preparing for a wedding while they pay less attention to the marriage itself. A wedding lasts only for few hours; marriage lasts for a lifetime. A wedding party is about the music, food and drink. Marriage is about putting in a lot of work daily to make the two-become-one relationship work.

Couples must not rush into marriage or try to truncate the required duration for marriage course preparations. Prior to the marriage course, couples should have a reasonable knowledge and understanding of one another; and also the disposition to tolerate possible character or behavioural shifts. However, there is no guarantee that when proper preparations are done that everything will work out fine for the couple in the future. There could still be breakdowns; some reparable and some irreparable. But it is better we plan and fail than fail to plan.

Most marriages that failed and led to a divorce was not planned or anticipated. This can leave a lasting injury on either of the couple who should not be guilt shamed or blamed for their predicament. Some partners wanted their marriage to work but hit rock bottom by the resistant decision of the other partner. This is why we should protect the vulnerability and wellbeing of divorcees with our utmost compassion. This does not mean consent to divorce but charity. Christ’s reception of little children in our gospel of today re-echoes the call to be open and compassionate to the weak and vulnerable in the society and in the Church. Divorcees should be treated in like manner. The Church must lead the way in this call so that the God’s people may follow.  

PRAYER FOR THE DAY

Lord God, we thank you for the gift of the sacrament of marriage which you instituted in the beginning of creation. We ask your grace to help us maintain the sanctity of marriage; and on couples battling the crisis of divorce that your love and compassion may strengthen them. Amen.